SLiM: King Frankfurter

Recently, Coney Island held its annual hot dog eating contest. You have approximately 15 minutes to stuff as many hot dogs as you can into your digestive system. It was won this past year by a man named Joey Chestnut, eating a whopping 68 hot dogs in 16 minutes. That means Joey Chestnut has beaten the world record in this topic.

Now, I am wondering about 2 things. One, how does one cram 68 hot dogs into their system without throwing up? My answer to that one: He does. I would think within about 1 hour of doing this, he emptied the contents of his stomach on someone unfortunate enough to be standing near him. If he didn’t, I give kudos to him for not doing it.

Number 2: I can’t bear to eat a hot dog of mine in less than 2 minutes. Therefore, I think it is a total waste of delicious hot dogs to eat them all in a quarter hour. The following is the scenario that would happen if I were to enter into the contest.

SLiM walks calmly onto the stage. As the seconds tick by, SLiM’s opponents are cramming hot dogs into their mouths. “Joey Chestnut is winning with 9 hot dogs!” yells the announcer. SLiM does not quicken his pace, unlike all the other contestants. He produces a duffel bag, and begins filling it with the mouthwatering hot dogs. After 13 minutes, Joey Chestnut has eaten 64 hot dogs. SLiM, by contrast, has eaten zero of them. After the 15 minutes are up, SLiM calmly leaves the stage. He has come in last place, but he is satisfied. He lugs a bag filled with 90 hot dogs, to refrigerate and eat at his leisure over the next few weeks.

As you can see, it is a crime to waste the world’s best hot dogs. True, the people want the fame (see this post), but even so, it would be better to eat them slowly.

Just one more word for you people out there: eating 68 hot dogs in 16 minutes is gross. Nauseating. Totally disgusting.