SLiM: Ain't got no comments...

Your grammar teacher may have always told you “'I ain’t got no bags' doesn’t make sense, since to not not have something means to have something.” In other words, a double negative equals a positive. But I found a case where that might not be so. Let me explain.

We all know that butter is a delicious spread, but it is high in cholesterol, and, supposedly, it is a “secret killer.” Therefore, we highly innovative humans use margarine, a fake butter which is lower in cholesterol that butter has so much of. However, some people can’t have any of the cholesterol, so we invented a margarine substitute.

What I am getting at here is the fact that since a not not done equals a done, so to it would seem that a fake fake butter equals real butter. Even though according to our teachers double negatives equal a positive, I am inclined to think that that is not the case here.

Tell me what you think in comment form, but I suspect that if you disagree with me this time, you’re doing it on purpose, not because you really disagree with me.

SLiM: Chess Playing Blues

My brother, who will henceforth be known as Charles Babbage Jr, (for reasons I will not tell you, but you may look here if you want,) was playing Rabbim chess. (Charles Babbage Jr just happens to be a match for Rabbim, who is a lot older than him.) Rabbim was looking for a good move to make. As he was looking, he said to his opponent, “what I really want to do is put you in check, I just can’t.”

(Rabbim made a very sensible comment, as usual.)

Charles Babbage Jr. responded to this highly sensible statement with, “what you really want to do is put me in checkmate.”

Smart lad, he is.

SLiM: More Like a Meal?

I love Manwich® sloppy joes. I love the sauce, ground beef, and that soaked-in-red-sauce buns that you can eat after you are done. What I don’t like about Manwich® is their ridiculous (but catchy) slogan.

Besides for “Mmm, mmm, good” and “Good to the last drop,” there are probably only a few other food slogans that are so familiar with American culture.

The Manwich® catch-phrase is, “A sandwich is just a sandwich, but a Manwich® is a meal.” I have 3 problems with that phrase.

1: An obvious problem. A SANDWICH IS A MEAL, TOO! I eat them all the time for meals.

2: A problem that is obvious only to those who actually eat Manwich® brand sloppy joes. MANWICH® SLOPPY JOES ONLY COME WITH THE SAUCE! You have to make your own actual sloppy joes. If I were to misunderstand the slogan and pop a can of Manwich® into the oven for a few minutes, all I would be eating would be sauce. I would probably sue Manwich®.

3: A problem that only wise bloggers could think up. SAYS WHO? When I eat a Manwich®, I usually need to eat 2 or 3 of them to fill me up. True, it’s probably simply because I want to eat more (they’re so delicious), but even so, one Manwich® (notice the word “a”) is quite definitely not a meal.

Don’t forget, though, that whatever I say about the slogan, Manwich® is really tasty. (Hint, hint, M.M.!)

SLiM: King Frankfurter

Recently, Coney Island held its annual hot dog eating contest. You have approximately 15 minutes to stuff as many hot dogs as you can into your digestive system. It was won this past year by a man named Joey Chestnut, eating a whopping 68 hot dogs in 16 minutes. That means Joey Chestnut has beaten the world record in this topic.

Now, I am wondering about 2 things. One, how does one cram 68 hot dogs into their system without throwing up? My answer to that one: He does. I would think within about 1 hour of doing this, he emptied the contents of his stomach on someone unfortunate enough to be standing near him. If he didn’t, I give kudos to him for not doing it.

Number 2: I can’t bear to eat a hot dog of mine in less than 2 minutes. Therefore, I think it is a total waste of delicious hot dogs to eat them all in a quarter hour. The following is the scenario that would happen if I were to enter into the contest.

SLiM walks calmly onto the stage. As the seconds tick by, SLiM’s opponents are cramming hot dogs into their mouths. “Joey Chestnut is winning with 9 hot dogs!” yells the announcer. SLiM does not quicken his pace, unlike all the other contestants. He produces a duffel bag, and begins filling it with the mouthwatering hot dogs. After 13 minutes, Joey Chestnut has eaten 64 hot dogs. SLiM, by contrast, has eaten zero of them. After the 15 minutes are up, SLiM calmly leaves the stage. He has come in last place, but he is satisfied. He lugs a bag filled with 90 hot dogs, to refrigerate and eat at his leisure over the next few weeks.

As you can see, it is a crime to waste the world’s best hot dogs. True, the people want the fame (see this post), but even so, it would be better to eat them slowly.

Just one more word for you people out there: eating 68 hot dogs in 16 minutes is gross. Nauseating. Totally disgusting.

From SLiM: The Brutal Murder

I still don’t get it and I’ve been thinking about it for weeks now. I really want to keep you in suspense and read the phonebook to you to push it off, but if I do, you will simply skip ahead until I have read to you “Zyvurner,Zaphod, Lincoln, Nebraska”. Therefore, I will simply stop the suspense here, and start getting to my point.

You probably know by now that during an interview President Obama killed a fly.


This was responded to with much hostility by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

Now, I could probably understand the uproar if Obama accidentally killed a tiger, or some other endangered specie. (How a person could accidentally kill a tiger, I don’t know.) I could even understand it if he killed a dog or cat, or some other animal that a sane human could possibly have a fondness for. But a (hee, hee, hee) fly???? Please excuse me now, as I have to go to the bathroom to calm down.

No, seriously, a (guffaw) fly?? Flies are one of the biggest nuisances known to man. Flies make an annoying buzzing sound. Flies are attracted to just about everything. Flies harbor disease. And just to top it all off, flies are the thing that comes just when you think nothing can get worse. You’re hot and sweaty and SHAZAM, the flies come in.

I’m nervous to think about what will happen next. Will the PETA ban the act of hitting mosquitoes? Will they slow down the production of fly swatters until, suddenly, there are no more fly swatters left? Will they ban the use of the best quality sponges (made from, you guessed it, sponges)?

There are 2 things I have to address, though, before you nasty people out there give me a flurry of angry comments. #1: Obama is the President, so he has to make a good influence on people, but if, let’s say, I killed a fly in an interview (remember, people, I am not rich and famous [yet]), they wouldn’t have made such a big stink about it. #2: The PETA doesn’t have any power; it’s just a group of people?

I will address problem #1, and then I will address problem #2. Simple enough?

Okay, as for #1, Obama made a wonderful influence. He killed a fly, for heaven sakes. He showed that the President of the United States can actually do something to someone he doesn’t like. He showed that the President has at least a little power to do as he wishes. (He really had to do that after he bowed to the king of Saudi Arabia. Obama should know that the Most Powerful Individual in the Most Powerful Country in the World bows to no other person. But that’s for a different time, so I digress.) As for #2, you never should underestimate the power of a single person, let alone a group. They could make demonstrations, boycotts, petitions, or other scary things. In all likelihood, this whole thing will blow over before we know it. I never really liked flies, but I never really had a real problem against them. I’ve been thinking about it, and I can’t possibly think of any attributes for them. I’ll keep thinking about it, and if you have any ideas, please tell me about them in comment form. After all, I would like to find something to say good about our currently not-so-great-friend, the humble fly. Plus, I might understand the PETA (although that would probably be harder to understand than the flies themselves).

SLiM: Boom! Pow! Bucks!

Another revelation hit me as I was watching the fireworks on the 4th, and after the finale I was shouting “Encore! Encore!” very loudly.

We enjoy a firework for about 5 seconds before it fades into oblivion both physically and in our minds. I don’t know how much it costs for a firework, but I imagine it’s not something I would just say at K-Mart, “The groceries total out to $45, while we’re talking about price, could you toss in a professional firework for a few extra bucks?” Remember, we’re talking about the real deal fireworks here, not the cheap things that just go “pop!” and then go out.

But that’s not the crazy thing involved here. The crazy thing is, for maybe 3 minutes we’re screaming “Give us more fireworks!” But if, by some strange twist of nature they did make an encore, we would spend the next year screaming “Why did we ask for those 8 extra minutes of entertainment?” I’ll explain what I mean.

We all know that we are being taxed too much (from what I hear). Those taxes go to things like fixing roads, bettering the fire department, and TV broadcasting. These are things that I would probably not mind too much to pay a little chunk of the money for. After all, if the roads aren’t good, I’m going to end up having to pay for my busted tire, anyway. The taxes also happen to go into entertainment bills, too, which means that we are essentially paying for the fireworks ourselves.

I’m not sure what you think, but I think that it is downright idiocy to pay a quite a few extra dollars to have 15 more fireworks, or to have all the fireworks have a bang that is 10 decibels louder.

As you may know, the U.S. government spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993. Now, this case is not nearly as crazy as that, but if the government actually knew what was good for us, they wouldn’t have billed us to pay for bigger “Ooh! Ahh!” s, or for us to know more about the “science of the mysterious pickle”.

But, you may ask, aren't fireworks patriotic? Aren't they worth spending tax money on?

My answer to that question is: I doubt spending our hard-earned money was what the Founding Fathers had in mind for a celebration.

SLiM: The Perfect Audience

A few days ago, I made a stunning discovery. My dad, Rabbim and My Mother (who will henceforth be called MM) had guests, and the couple brought along their 3-month-old baby. Although she is one of the most adorable infants I have ever seen, she was not in the best of moods. So I attempted to calm her down-–with her parents’ permission, of course--by rocking her. Now, for realistic purposes, I will tell you why I wanted to hold her. I adore babies. I love their smell, their perfect faces, and the way they smile by sticking out their tongues. However, this cute little baby was not going to be sticking out her tongue in laughter anytime soon, so I gave her back to her father. It was at this time that I remembered that babies love peek-a-boo. I was nervous that she would see me and wonder is that kid crazy that he thinks I think that popping out is funny? Then I remembered that small babies love it when people hide and then pop out. But then I thought what, exactly, is the entertainment in peek-a-boo, that babies laugh at it? I decided to play peek-a-boo anyway. As it turned out, I was right that it entertains babies, to the extent that, if the baby could talk, her words might’ve sounded something like “bwa-ha-ha-hee” instead of “I’m hungry”. No, seriously, she was laughing like one would laugh if they heard the funniest joke in their life. And as I was doing it on time #87 or so, the great answer hit me.

The baby sees no entertainment in someone hiding and peeking out, making a loud sound as they come out of their hiding place. I think (I’m not sure) the entertainment the baby finds is the fact that the person who’s hiding is acting like a moron. Seriously, it does look idiotic if you see a person hiding and popping out yelling “uh!”


Even after the Biggest Question in the Universe was answered, I still have a question. How can a baby find peek-a-boo, a.k.a. “The Moronic Game,” interesting after, like, 125 times? They know the routine by then. “The stupid kid hides his head somewhere whispering ‘where did I go-oh?’, then pops out and says ‘Uh! Here I am!’”


Even stand-up comedy gets boring after a while.


Even, I would think, for babies.

SLiM: I'm not too sure about the Universe either...

A question I have had for a while is, why are some people willing to do practically anything for fame? I’m talking about things like jumping over a 20 foot tank of sharks on a motorcycle, or jumping out of an airplane handcuffed, foot-manacled, in a sack, and chained to a wall of a locked cell. Granted, the people who I’m talking about (Evel Kneivel and Robert Gallup, respectively) survived the stunts, but they had probably trained for months to do it. (Even so, Kneivel broke a whole lot of bones in his body.)

Professionals aside, there are people on crazy game shows, who will do things like sticking their tongues in beehives. Yeah, so 100,000 people will see you, but even so, what exactly is the point of putting your precious life in peril? Maybe you’ll get a fancy plaque, but if you might not be around when you get it, what, then, is the point? People should go after more safe pursuits, like collecting more than 285,150 ballpoint pens. (That record is currently held by some woman named Angelika Unverhau.)

After all, you won’t get another life if you throw the one you were given down the drain.

Or into a beehive, as the case may be.

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.”

Albert Einstein

MisterYoungster: Rock Climbing

I went rock climbing today. I came to the gym and I was like "nah, it isn't 50 fifty tall,{though I knew it wouldn't be}, it won't be fun". Really it was about 20-25 feet. Even though it looked 20 feet, it didn't. (I do not know how to explain that!) I got all harnessed up and I started climbing. At first it was easy, but that was because there were so many "rocks" to hold onto. When I passed the first 7 feet, there were gaps and not as many "rocks". There were two really big gaps, and I stayed in place for about 10 seconds trying to figure out what to do. I reached the top ( but not really.... well the top for me). After I rappelled back down I asked the attendant if I could go up again and he said "sure" . So off I went on a second trip! The same "almost to the top". I got down the second time, (still wondering what to do about the gaps if I would go up again). And my brother and I went ACROSS the climbing wall. Then I went up a third time but still couldn't quite figure out how to get past the gaps. I had lots of fun! I'll do it again (hopefully figuring out how to get to the real top next time).

MisterYoungster first Post!!!

Ever since I started reading IcebergCarwash I've wanted to write a blog. I even thought up a name, MisterYoungster, but I never really thought I would have a blog, at least when I would be young enough to be able to call it that. Now, you may be wondering why it's not called that. The reason is because I'm not the only poster.

See ya soon!

Post #2 from SLiM: at LEAST it's a FORM of WRITING

One of the many things that I both can’t stand and I love at the same time is when people write and they highlight words that they think should be noticed. Now reread the first sentence of this post, only reading the highlighted words. The new and improved first sentence of this post reads, “Many things stand love write highlight noticed.” You may now be able to understand why I love it and hate it at the same time. If you still don’t get it, I’ll fill you in.

For starters, I am one of those people who feels that details are just as important as the main story, if not more important. You see, it is wrong to just minimize the importance of some words in a sentence. It’s all very well and good for “Many things stand love write highlight noticed,” but what about “One of the that I both can’t and I at the same time is when people and they words that they think should be”? As you can see, that is the majority of the words. They must be crying for attention: “it’s a 24-to-7 ratio! Give us some attention already!”

But that’s enough of the theoretical stuff. The bottom line is, all words are important, and it’s wrong to exclude some words.

On the other hand, it’s fun to say “Hey Mom, can you guess where this is from? ‘Dieting boring food tasty? General Mills® Cheerios™ delicious calories fat dieting fun’”.

In the end, though, I want this trend to stick around. At least, for a while. (Wink!)

Post #1 from SLiM: Welcome

Welcome to our blog!

So, ever since our aunt and uncle started their prestigious blog, it's been nagging me: "Will you please grow up so you can write a blog already!" Now, I don't wish to reveal my age until I am rich and famous, or maybe until they begin making merchandise sporting the name of this blog. However, you probably do know that I am under 30, and that I am most likely younger than you are, but I digress. I thought a blog written by me wouldn't gain respect in the world of blogs. However, I found out that my siblings are excited by the possibility of having their own blog. They also may have been excited by the possibility of having merchandise with their names on it, I don't know. With a little more encouragement from my father, (who may be posting soon) I started my first post.

I am asking you in advance to please excuse me if I write in childish humor, childish topics, or if I have childish political views, for I am an amateur in the voyage of life.

Enjoy our blog!