SLiM: What is Art?

I am a fan of art. I like individuals like Da Vinci, Van Gogh, and Rockwell. I like entire types of art such as Impressionism and still life. I even sometimes like graffiti, although I think would like it more if it was framed and in a museum rather than blatant vandalism. However, there are two types of art I can’t enjoy.

First of all, I don’t appreciate the big deal about so-called “modern art.” All you need for modern art is a paintbrush and a lot of colors. You need no creativity whatsoever to create modern art.

We now present SLiM’s quick n’ easy steps to getting into your local art museum.

I. Dip paintbrush in red paint.

II. Leave drips of red all over paper\canvas.

III. Dip paintbrush in green paint.

IV. Draw 19 green lines on paper\canvas.

V. Dip paintbrush in blue paint.

VI. Close your eyes and draw an 18-inch squiggly line on paper\canvas.

You probably get the idea. Now comes the hard part: Actually getting into the Museum.

VII. Sign your name as something catchy: “Lawrence Hotspringhopper” is a suggestion.

VIII. Name your drawing something like “Big Bang Dissected.”

IX. Tell the museum that you found this piece of art made by Lawrence Hotspringhopper in the basement of your new house.

X. Sell for $165 million.

You get the picture (pun intended). Following my own quick n’ easy steps, I created this art.

Unimpressive, isn’t it?

My second problem is Pablo Picasso. Since when is mutilating the human form art? Where did the guy get the idea of putting 3 noses, 4 eyes, and no mouths on a highly distorted outline of the human face? Is this guy psycho? Who wants to see a person with chins coming out of his eyebrows?

All these questions aside, Picasso was the inventor of plastic surgery. I like to refer this type of operation as “Slice, Dice, Reshape, and Sew Back Together Surgery.” Admit it; it is more realistic to what it really is than “Plastic Surgery.”

If you can get me to like Picasso or modern art, I will thank you from the deepest reaches of my artistic heart.