SLiM: It’s a shoe, it’s a roller blade, no it’s…

Since we humans are lazier than ever now, we have gotten to the point where we are so lazy we don’t even want to walk. Therefore, shoemaking companies invented these cool little things called Heelys™, which look like shoes but have this added little bonus. All you have to do is take 3 steps, and then you can glide around on a built in little wheel at the back. (Don’t worry if you see teenagers gliding aloud without walking, because unlike with roller skates/blades, you don’t need to take steps every 6 seconds.) Sadly, these things don’t steer well, so people end up hurt. But this is leading away from what I want to talk about, so I digress.

Heelys™, if you will excuse me, look ridiculous. It also looks ridiculous to see people holding onto something as they turn. It also looks ridiculous to see people flailing their arms when they go too fast. All in all, Heelys™ may save calories (I’ll get to that), but they look pretty crazy if you ask me.

Another thing: I’m nervous that the company that makes these crazy shoes will be sued by people who were attempting to lose weight, but didn’t. Let me explain. Walking is probably the main way that we burn calories each day. Don’t walk, don’t burn calories. It’s that simple.

My last section of wisdom on Heelys™ for today is based on this: I have a little score to settle with my not-so-good (who is also dead) friend, Charles Darwin. You see, I don’t love his theory of evolution anyway, and if his theory is true, that spells certain doom for mankind. The less people use their leg muscles, the less powerful those muscles will get. In another few hundred years, people’s leg muscles will virtually forget how to walk. (This is why, according to scientists, humans’ pinky toes curl up over the top of the foot. Over thousands of years, the ground we live on has become much less marshy. Therefore, we no longer need our pinky toes for balance, and they shriveled up.) Of course, the forgetting how to walk thing will only occur if the majority of humanity starts wearing Heelys™.

Let’s pray that the Heelys™ company doesn’t lower their prices.