SLiM: Coke Isn't Always It...

You may think you are in charge of your senses. But in truth, you aren’t (sometimes). One of my favorite things to learn about is optical illusions. (If you want to learn about them too, or just see them, I’d recommend any one of Al Seckel’s fantastic books about optical illusions.) Your sense of smell is easily influenced by what you think you are smelling. By the way, do you smell something burning? I do. Just joking. But of all of your sense illusions, my favorites are taste illusions.

Once, a group of curious scientists conducted an experiment. They got permission from the Coca-Cola ® Company to re-label some Coke® under an imitation brand name (for example, Super Cola). They slashed off about ¼ of the price, and to be perfectly fair, they gave free samples to random people. 100% of the people said they liked Coca-Cola® better than Super Cola (even though they were the exact same thing). Super Cola did not sell very well.

This proves a point. We humans are heavily influenced by what our senses think they will be getting. This automatically makes us biased judges when trying to accept new foods. The only exceptions to this are if you don’t know which is which or if the imitation is really a fake, and it tastes significantly worse.

Until one of senses tricks me into doing something crazy, I’m just going to sit back and watch the tricks they play.

SLiM: It’s a shoe, it’s a roller blade, no it’s…

Since we humans are lazier than ever now, we have gotten to the point where we are so lazy we don’t even want to walk. Therefore, shoemaking companies invented these cool little things called Heelys™, which look like shoes but have this added little bonus. All you have to do is take 3 steps, and then you can glide around on a built in little wheel at the back. (Don’t worry if you see teenagers gliding aloud without walking, because unlike with roller skates/blades, you don’t need to take steps every 6 seconds.) Sadly, these things don’t steer well, so people end up hurt. But this is leading away from what I want to talk about, so I digress.

Heelys™, if you will excuse me, look ridiculous. It also looks ridiculous to see people holding onto something as they turn. It also looks ridiculous to see people flailing their arms when they go too fast. All in all, Heelys™ may save calories (I’ll get to that), but they look pretty crazy if you ask me.

Another thing: I’m nervous that the company that makes these crazy shoes will be sued by people who were attempting to lose weight, but didn’t. Let me explain. Walking is probably the main way that we burn calories each day. Don’t walk, don’t burn calories. It’s that simple.

My last section of wisdom on Heelys™ for today is based on this: I have a little score to settle with my not-so-good (who is also dead) friend, Charles Darwin. You see, I don’t love his theory of evolution anyway, and if his theory is true, that spells certain doom for mankind. The less people use their leg muscles, the less powerful those muscles will get. In another few hundred years, people’s leg muscles will virtually forget how to walk. (This is why, according to scientists, humans’ pinky toes curl up over the top of the foot. Over thousands of years, the ground we live on has become much less marshy. Therefore, we no longer need our pinky toes for balance, and they shriveled up.) Of course, the forgetting how to walk thing will only occur if the majority of humanity starts wearing Heelys™.

Let’s pray that the Heelys™ company doesn’t lower their prices.

SLiM: What is Art?

I am a fan of art. I like individuals like Da Vinci, Van Gogh, and Rockwell. I like entire types of art such as Impressionism and still life. I even sometimes like graffiti, although I think would like it more if it was framed and in a museum rather than blatant vandalism. However, there are two types of art I can’t enjoy.

First of all, I don’t appreciate the big deal about so-called “modern art.” All you need for modern art is a paintbrush and a lot of colors. You need no creativity whatsoever to create modern art.

We now present SLiM’s quick n’ easy steps to getting into your local art museum.

I. Dip paintbrush in red paint.

II. Leave drips of red all over paper\canvas.

III. Dip paintbrush in green paint.

IV. Draw 19 green lines on paper\canvas.

V. Dip paintbrush in blue paint.

VI. Close your eyes and draw an 18-inch squiggly line on paper\canvas.

You probably get the idea. Now comes the hard part: Actually getting into the Museum.

VII. Sign your name as something catchy: “Lawrence Hotspringhopper” is a suggestion.

VIII. Name your drawing something like “Big Bang Dissected.”

IX. Tell the museum that you found this piece of art made by Lawrence Hotspringhopper in the basement of your new house.

X. Sell for $165 million.

You get the picture (pun intended). Following my own quick n’ easy steps, I created this art.

Unimpressive, isn’t it?

My second problem is Pablo Picasso. Since when is mutilating the human form art? Where did the guy get the idea of putting 3 noses, 4 eyes, and no mouths on a highly distorted outline of the human face? Is this guy psycho? Who wants to see a person with chins coming out of his eyebrows?

All these questions aside, Picasso was the inventor of plastic surgery. I like to refer this type of operation as “Slice, Dice, Reshape, and Sew Back Together Surgery.” Admit it; it is more realistic to what it really is than “Plastic Surgery.”

If you can get me to like Picasso or modern art, I will thank you from the deepest reaches of my artistic heart.

SLiM: Look Mom, No han... ow!

The camp went on a trip to a water park. It was fun, convenient, and best of all, it had heated water. Outside, there was a large waterslide, which you got into a tube, and went down the slide at something like 35 mph. At the end, you are hurled out into a 2 foot deep pool. In order for you to not break at least 1 bone, you must stay in your tube.

I’ll tell you what the slide is like: turn, flip to 90 degrees, straight down, turn, flip 90 degrees, turn, etc. As you can tell, it would be pretty hard to stay in your tube, so as to avoid fracturing your legs and arms.

If not for the handles...

The Handles are strips of material attached to the sides of the tube.

Of course, since there are idiotic people in the world, the first rule the attendants tell you is “Hold onto The Handles on the sides, and don’t let go until you are at the bottom.”

And of course, the first thing that pops into an idiot’s mind is “So, the dude told me to hold on. So, of course, I’m not going to hold on.” At this point, the moron goes down, not holding onto The Handles, and within 3 seconds he is thrust off his tube, and is forced to spend the rest of his ride struggling to catch his tube, as he reflects on his virtually endless stupidity. That’s until he hits the bottom.

When he hits the bottom, he says “Ow.” He then forgets all that has happened to him since the attendant told him to hold onto The Handles. All he knows is that there is a throbbing pain in his leg. He then proceeds to repeat everything that has happened since he got up the stairs to the top of the slide.

I really don’t understand these people.